Dominance and submission (D/s) is one of the most interesting and complex facets of SM. It is not only an activity, but an entire lifestyle which challenges virtually every established norm.
A D/s relationship can be described as a relationship in which exchange of power is a major dynamic. Unlike abusive relationships, however, D/s relationships are negotiated arrangements which meet the psychological, sexual, and social needs of all participants. The nature of each D/s relationship is unique, because the manner in which the power relationship is understood and practiced is a very personal matter. This can make such a relationship more difficult to understand, but it also allows those persons involved in a D/s relationship the flexibility to design a relationship that is tailored to fit their specific needs and desires.
No one on the outside of a D/s relationship has the authority or even the ability to judge its success. I have heard critical statements made about D/s relationships from people who should know better. They usually criticize the participants not fitting the critic’s idea of a D/s relationship. These critics forget that any relationship, and especially a D/s relationship, is an individual thing, and that if it fits the needs of the participants, then it is successful.
Interestingly enough, it has been my experience that those who criticize the relationships of others tend to be single. That alone ought to tell you something.
So, if you are interested in pursuing a D/s relationship, make sure you don’t allow outside influences to tell you what is right for you. Seek advice from experienced people, but regard it as advice only, not as law.
D/s relationships often pattern themselves on traditional power relationships. Using the traditional paradigms of straight society, the individuals might pattern their relationship in one of the following ways:
Daddy/boy
This is the type of relationship that Donn and I have. Although I exercise authority in the home and outside it, the basic nature of my role as Daddy is supportive, loving, and nurturing – exactly as a biological father would be. Discipline is given when I feel it is in Donn’s best interests – rarely for its own sake. And while Donn is generally submissive, he can be at times as unruly as any boy! Does that mean we do not live a true Daddy/boy relationship? I don’t think so.
For some, the Daddy/boy relationship serves as a transitional period on the way to a Master/slave relationship. It allows playful experimentation with D/s without requiring as complete an exchange of power as a Master/slave relationship does.
Master/slave
Let me start by saying that this type of relationship isn’t for everybody. Many people view the Master/slave relationship as the ultimate in D/s, and they want very much to live it because of its extremity. Unfortunately, very few people are truly suited for the Master/slave lifestyle – including many who pursue it. In my experience, most people who self-identify as slaves don’t really want to live that way all the time. It can be an intense fantasy or a great weekend scene, but living as a slave (or as a Master) full-time takes an incredible amount of dedication. This level of dedication is not often found.
With that said, I must also say that there are many people for whom the Master/slave relationship truly is ideal. If you are one of these, you must be true to yourself. There is a lot of controversy about the Master/slave relationship. To see how much, just check out the alt.sex.bondage newsgroup. At any time, there are usually several combative conversations (can you say flame kiddies?) going on about whether or not a given couple are real Masters or real slaves.
Some say that Master/slave relationships require TPE – Total Power Exchange. In other words, the kind of enforced slavery where consent, when given, is nonretractable. A slave, once enslaved, cannot leave. They say that if the slave leaves the relationship, it was never truly TPE because a true slave cannot leave his enslavement.
IMHO, these arguments are much ado about nothing. A Master/slave relationship requires only the honestly and sincerely felt desires of the participants. We as outsiders to the relationship are wrong when we criticize other people’s relationships.
Perhaps we form opinions; how could we not? But any criticisms we have should be made as constructive criticisms to those involved – flaming and disrespect of others’ relationships behind their backs constitute petty, shallow behaviour – and usually indicate that the originator is petty and shallow as well.